In 2009 I was dying to get pregnant. I took ovulation tests and my temperature and made my husband have clinical sex that neither of us enjoyed. All so someone could call me the name I wanted to hear the most: “Mommy”.
It happened. Twice. And when each of my munchkins babbled out that adorable little “ma-ma” for the first time, my heart melted. I don’t want to speak for him but I’m pretty sure it was the same for my husband, a guy who never knew he wanted to be called Daddy until he was. It felt amazing.
As the kids became more verbal and we became more conversational with them, I realized not only were the kids calling us Mommy and Daddy, but my husband and I were calling each other Mommy and Daddy. Not just in the third person but actually to each other’s faces as if those were our real names.
”Daddy, did you say they could play on their iPads?”
“Mommy, are you doing bedtime tonight?”
Without even realizing it we’d become my grandparents who, long after their sons became adults, called themselves Mommy and Daddy until they died. I remember thinking it was weird and creepy but suddenly there I was, out to lunch with our kids, saying things like, “Daddy, can you order me an iced tea while I run to the bathroom?” Horrifying!
In my humble opinion, it’s this unconscious name calling that’s a major reason why sex takes a a hit when kids arrive. Think about it…screwing someone called Mommy or Daddy just isn’t sexy (BDSM kinksters excluded). It’s actually kinda gross. Do you like thinking about your mom and dad doing it? Exactly. Ew.
And the problem starts way before you even get to the bedroom. Take date night. Who wants to go out with “Daddy”? That doesn’t sound fun. That sounds like chicken fingers and Shirley Temples. I want to go out with a guy who has an actual name and eat food that’s hard to pronounce and drink a specialty cocktail. Sure, dads can be super sexy—but if I’m calling my partner Daddy all day and night, then he’s assumed the ultimate non-sexual identify. I want to date the guy, not the Daddy. It’s a serious mood killer.
Same goes for us ladies. When I’m called Mommy all day, ESPECIALLY by my partner, I have a tough time looking in the mirror and seeing a sassy, sexy woman. Even if I look decent that day, I still just see “Mom.” Call me crazy but that name doesn’t make me feel hot. It makes me feel wanted. But only by my children.
I have no idea if there’s a solution here. If you’re looking for one, I’m really sorry but I don’t have one. So in the absence of a fix, let’s just be realistic: for the foreseeable future (but Lordy hopefully not when we’re kid free like my grandparents) we’re probably going to call each other some form of Mommy and Daddy. And even though I think it’s a huge problem, at least we can start to recognize when we’re doing it and try to do it less. It’s a start.
Net net? We both have names beyond our monikers, real names that make us seriously desirable to more people than just our kids. Let’s just live with that realization for a bit and see where it takes us.
About the Author
Brooke Christian is a blogger, speaker, and influencer who focuses on what happens when sex and motherhood collide. A disruptor & rule breaker, Brooke brings sexual taboos public to not only change women’s sex lives but to finally start the conversation about what motherhood does to our sexuality. She is a popular guest on podcasts like Shamelessly Feminine, Marriage & martinis, milf podcast, moms like that and Playboy radio. Her writing and commentary have been featured all over the blogosphere including top websites Glamour, Bustle, Killing Kittens, Motherhustle, StacyKnows and more. She sells a curated collection of gorgeous sex toys and when she was kid free, she used to kill it at the country’s top magazines like InStyle, Harper ’s Bazaar, O, The Oprah Magazine, and Real Simple. And yes, she’s addicted to vibrators. You can find Brooke on Instagram or shop her collection here.