Having a child can bring in a lot change to your life as a couple. Being surrounded in baby food, diapers, and strollers takes away most of your time and energy. It could be the upside down day schedule, crazy sleep routine, or just plain lassitude and overwhelming emotions of being a parent.
Sex takes a back seat for new parents. But there are many benefits of sex after having children. We spoke to Dr. Fran Walfish, on the topic. Dr. Fran is a Beverly Hills family and relationship psychotherapist, author, The Self-Aware Parent, and regular expert child psychologist on The Doctors, CBS TV, and co-star on Sex Box, WE tv. Here’s what she has to say!
The entry of each new baby into the family, especially the birth of the first child, brings added stress to the couple. Many new moms become preoccupied with their infant, direct all of their energy and attention toward the baby and first-time dads (husbands) often feel a bit lost in the equation. “Where do I fit in?” is the feeling. When each of the partners is unaware and inattentive to this shift in their relationship, it can cause a crack in the foundation of the marriage. A decrease in sex, foreplay, and intercourse is often symptomatic of poor communication and a gradual wedge that can build between the couple. Sex is one of the fabulous ways partners can connect and enjoy each other.
Many parents, moms especially worry about having sex when the kids are at home and awake. Typical children over the age of 7 years who has no special developmental challenges can be allowed to watch a video or play by themselves with toys while their parents are in the other room. Parents can lock the kids “out” of the seniors’ bedroom (never lock children “in” their own rooms). My vast experience with couples who are parents is that usually one is extra cautious and afraid of getting caught by the children, while the other is titillated with higher excitation adding the hiding/secrecy aspect to their sexual encounter. Engaging in intense eye-to-eye gaze will certainly amp up the heat! If you and your partner are into role playing and games, this would be a fine time to pull out the blindfold, handcuffs, and tickling feather, for instance. Some women love the experience of being tied up and taken over by their man behind a locked door knowing they could (but won’t) get caught in the act.
SEX CAN REDUCE A WOMAN’S STRESS LEVEL. THIS IS ESPECIALLY SO IF THE WOMAN IS RELAXED AND NOT CONSTRICTED DURING THE SEX. THERE IS A PARALLEL BETWEEN LAUGHTER AND SEX. THEY BOTH CAN BE STRESS REDUCERS.
Women experiencing chronic stress produce higher than normal levels of stress-related hormones that may affect the production of female sex hormones. Pregnenolone, an essential building block for the production of both sex hormones and stress-related hormones, is diverted from its normal sex-hormone pathway when you are stressed. Elena Sokolova, M.D., N.D. states, “During my 25 years of practice I have seen many women with female health concerns triggered by or affected by stress. Among the conditions that may be affected by female hormonal imbalances are: allergies, autoimmune conditions, endometriosis, cervical dysplasia, endometrial dysplasia, depression, fibroids, fibrocystic breasts, infertility, hypothyroidism, menopausal symptoms, osteoporosis, ovarian cysts, polycystic ovaries, and so on.”
These symptoms are frequently treated with hormonal replacement therapy (HRT) or with bio-identical hormones. Although these can temporarily help to eliminate some of these complaints, they do not address the underlying cause of the hormonal imbalance – chronic stress. It is necessary to assess both the levels of stress-related hormones and sex hormones before a woman starts hormonal balancing therapy. A laboratory test commonly used measures the levels of estrogens, progesterone, testosterone, DHEA, cortisol(x4), epinephrine, norepinephrine, serotonin, and dopamine, providing me with valuable information. A high level of stress-related hormones usually corresponds to the initial stage of stress, when your body still has the resources to produce a variety of hormones. A low level of stress-related hormones usually correlates with an advanced stage of stress. This stage is characterized by a depletion of your body’s resources and always needs nutritional support.
PROGESTERONE HAS A CALMING EFFECT, WHILE ESTROGEN HAS AN EXCITATORY IMPACT ON THE BRAIN, SPECIFICALLY FOCUSING ON THE SEX HORMONES. PROGESTERONE IS A STEROID HORMONE MADE BY THE CORPUS LUTEUM OF THE OVARY AT OVULATION. PROGESTERONE ALSO HAS NATURAL CALMING AND DIURETIC PROPERTIES. PROGESTERONE POSITIVELY AFFECTS SEX DRIVE.
- Send romantic and sexy text and email messages to each other during the day. This can eroticize and turn your partner on.
- Take a shower or bath together and fill the bathroom with candle light versus electricity. The visual stimulation, as well as having your partner wash, soap, rub, message, and titillate you is excitatory stuff.
- No one is attracted to a dependent personality. When individuals develop and nurture their own areas of interest, they meet in the middle as stronger, more attractive and appealing partners.
- Women need to get more comfortable asking for their sexual needs and wants to be fulfilled. Men are better at this than women. From generation to generation, this has been a cultural issue. Women are better now than they in the 1930’s and 40’s but you’d be amazed at how many young women are still uncomfortable asking their guy to do specifics
- Men also need to become more comfortable requesting frequency, speed, and the type of sex they want and need. Statistics show that men cheat more frequently than women. They are too quick to look elsewhere if they’re not getting what they need. Why not ask your lady for what you want and preserve fidelity in your relationship.
- Use your fantasies and shut your mouth! Do not share your fantasies with your partner. All telling does is stimulate rivalry, jealousy, and low self-esteem in the other partner.
- Put all of your worries in a box, lock the box, and leave it outside of the bedroom. If she’s worried about the kids she will not have an orgasm. When the stock market goes down so does his erection. Free yourselves to enjoy the moment.
